Schools UGH!

So I haven't kept it a secret the boys hate their school and have been struggling there, of coarse the school blames me and honestly I was buying into thier way of thinking until yesterday. I thought the move was rough of them and they were angry, and that they were showing this at school so they wouldnt hurt my feelings. Yesterday Joey got off the bus and the bus stop is about a block from the house. I dont walk to the bus stop but I stand at the door and watch them and my youngest always gets off the bus with his head hanging upset that no one will play with him and he doesnt want to go back. Yesterday I'm watching him and two boys were smacking him and laughing at him, I went after him and of coarse they boys took off. Joey asks me why we have to be white, and wanted to know what a honkey is?? seriously I'm just wondering why it is okay that African Americans can teach their children to be racists but it's not for whites? I do everything I can to teach my children that we are all the same and to love3 one another but let me tell you its not easy to convince them of this when they get treated poorly because of their color.
When we moved from Indiana we moved from a prodominately white school to a prodomiantely black school, and I didnt think twice about it. When the boys had problems in school I assumed it was from the move and all the changes they had been through. Untill I had a conversation with the principal and she makes the comment "it's not a race thing" well duh imediately it dawned on me that it was and she was trying to cover herself. I even had a white teacher from another school tell me that sometimes a white teacher in an all black school is afraid to show a white student any extra attention because they may be labeled as racist. Isnt it time for this to be over?
I guess that I can teach my children to love everyone and that we are all the same, but I cant teach everyone else. Our goal now is to move to a district where there is a good mix and hope that they will have an easier time. that's what they both tell me they want. When I ask if they want to go back to Indiana they say no they just want to go to a different school, even talking to their counsler they tell them they want to go to a different school and be around more kids like them.

Just so frustrated, UGH!!

(sorry about my spelling the spell check wont work for me)

Funday Monday

Haha right, so I'm wondering if anyone else is that friend that always seems to get walked on and used? I have gone through this my entire life and yet I can't change. If I am asked for a favor or help and I can honestly do it for them with out inconveniencing me or my family, I am going to do it. That's who I am and always have been. But I wish others were like that because a lot of the time when I need help or even just a shoulder guess what no ones around. Now I will hand it to the friend I am referring to she has been there for me to a point, kinda like I am a job I'm a good enough Monday through Friday 9 to 5. but I am not a good weekend friend? I honestly don't know. any how, lately I cant even get her to answer my texts then informs me on Facebook (ya I know) that shes going to need my help Tuesday to move. This will be the second time I have helped her moved, and I am not complaining I will be there Tuesday to help her. But I wonder if when my family and I move if she will be there to help me?? Heck I probably wont even ask.

But I have always wondered why I am this friend, I wonder what I do wrong that I cant simply get the love in return that I give? I don't feel sorry for myself I have tons of love and blessing in my life I just can not help but wonder.

been awhile!!

So as the title says it has been awhile since I've written here or even though about this blog. I guess since I don't really have any followers and I do this for myself. Some like to talk I like to write I guess I am just not one to open up to others. I'll open up to a point but I am just not comfortable spilling my entire life story in person. I can't handle the looks of shock or boredom or disgust lol.
Things are definitely interesting around here, stress and drama don't seem to ever disappear that is something I am learning or I guess at this point I have learned. You can remove something from your life that causes stress but something new will arise. That's just a given, I am trying to learn to trust and have faith enough to give it all to God, but you know back to the talking to people thing I even find it difficult to open up to God in prayer too. I wonder if I can write my prayers, Hmmm??? That sure would help me a lot.
I really need to get out of this rut that I am stuck in, I feel so dang lonely. But let me tell you for someone that has a hard time talking to people finding friends is not an easy task. Heck, I go to woman's service at church (WOW) by myself and I leave by self and honestly do not talk to a soul the whole time. I want to sleep all day during the week and on the weekends I'm gogogo with my fiance and boys. I really need a job or something, but hey that's an issue too with doctor's appointments and school meeting how could I possibly work.
Don't get me wrong the funny thing about it all is I really feel happy, Ha figure that one out cause I can't. I love it here in Richmond, theres so much to do and we have experienced more in the last 8 months than I had in a lifetime before we moved! The boys enjoy it all except school anyway but hey that's for another day. I love my fiance and our time together, so what is it??
I know there has got to be something missing or maybe it's just the worry. I sure wish I could just give it all to God. Am I the only one that feels as though it is just not fair to God that he should have to clean up my mistakes and take on my worries? I don't know I know that he loves us and that he is willing to take on everything we can not handle but really he already gave up his son, why should we expect more from him. The sacrifice of his child should be more than anyone could possibly ask for, after all would you do that for the people in this world?? I'll be completely honest when I say that I wouldn't HELL no. But he felt we were worthy of that and not only did he send his son, but Jesus had to go on with his life knowing that it was going to come to an end for a bunch of strangers for people that treated him horribly, to me that is an amazing love.

And the one thing he wants from us the most important thing out of everything he asks is that we love one another. We can't do it, come on we talk about one another all the time is that really love?? She's fat, he's a cheater, she's a slut, he's a drunk, he's black, and she's white. Heck let's take God out of the question, some people don't believe so isn't it just plain obvious that if we could all just love one another how much better our world would be?? It would be amazing.

Anyway some food for thought, and actually a way to live. I know that I'm am going to do my best to change and love everyone. Maybe that is the way to find true happiness!

been awhile

Wow so things have been busy yet somewhat stressful. But I am really learning to give my stress to God and believe it or not it helps.

To give you a better idea as to why I am stressed I am going to let you know just how much I have actually screwed up in my past. Thank you God for being so forgiving!!

I have 5 children as I have said before and I have not been the best mom to the three oldest. I have no problem admitting this though it used to be difficult. This move to Virginia without them was very difficult because of leaving them behind. Though I will say that I stand by this decision and know that it was the one that God wanted me to make! I would not of "found" God if it was not for this decision.  Most think I made this decision without even thinking of them but it is quite the oposite, I know that their dad takes amazing care of them. I know that he has and always will do a better job than I have I know that they are better off with him. What some people fail to forget is I have two other children that I have to take care of and consider and they do not have a father that I trust as much as the older children's father. I dont know if this makes any since to anyone else but for me it does. I also will admit that I am doing my best not to make the same mistakes with the younger two as I did with the older three.

Anyway I pay child support a lot of it and since we have moved to Virginia and the job that I had fell through I have struggled to find work and owe a lot. I feel horrible and it is extreme stress to know that I am not doing my part. I am also concerned because there is a warrant for three hundred dollars and with no income how am I supose to pay this. I pray about this and I am trying to rely on the Lord's help, but really sometimes feel as though I dont deserve it. I am scared and I admit that.

anyway I just needed to get this off my chest I know I bored everyone :)

So that did not go so well!

What a nightmare, I know that I am not the number one mom I know that I don't deserve the title for best mom of the year, but I also know that I am a good mom the best I can be. That my children's happiness is important and that I love them dearly. That I do my best to do what is right for them and try to make good decisions. How dare the school tell me that I need to take parenting classes and in home therapy because they act out in school and only in school? It doesn't make any since to me ugh!!  I told them I am planning to take parenting classes at my church which start tonite and she asked if they were court mandated. Is it unusual for a parent to take classes of their own free will?

I guess sometimes people jump to conclusions or don't think before they speak but I absolutely can not stand having to sit and be judged by someone that doesn't know anything about me.

Just needed to vent

school meeting today scared

So today I have to go to the school and decide weather or not my two youngest children need to be evaluated for learning disabilities, or ADD/ADHD. I am really not looking forward to this. The boys have never had amazing grades, but they have never been this bad before, and I totally agree that they may have an add issue, however I do not like the side effects of medication and think that with a little effort that they can be taught. After all they were learning at their old school, I am just not sure how to go about telling their school this in a polite way. Hmmm it is definitely going to be interesting!

Start parenting classes tonght at church I have to say I am very excited about this!! I know that I am not a bad parent but I also know there is always room to improve and I definitely need advice about how to be a good christian parent. It is really time for us to buckle down and become better christian parents and better christians alltogether.

I thank god for my children everyday but know that I need to show my appreciation not just speak it!

Joey and William

day 2 of juice fast

So it is day two of the juice fast for me Tony starts tomorrow. Have to say I feel pretty good, hungry but that's to be expected. I really hope its all worth it.
My little guys are on day 7 of their grounding for playing in an empty apartment, they have been really good, just do not know if it has been long enough. The other child that was with him is grounded till the end of school year to me that seems overboard but to each their own. I think that they will stay grounded another week, but I will allow them to leave their room and got to church on Saturday. Am I too easy on them? I always question myself on that, they really are good boys they just need to not follow so much. I need to teach them to be positive leaders.
It's crazy raising children, everyone has their own way. Everyone questions if their doing a good job, it can be confusing and stressful. For example I am trying to decide if I should home school Joey and William, or leave them in public schools. They seem to really dislike the school, and really struggle there. I think a lot has to do with their slight ADD issues, and maybe it is my fault. I just do not like the affects of the meds on them. But I have to wonder what the difference is from when I attended school and now. I suffered from ADD then, but I guess it was just assumed that I had a hard time with concentration and the teachers did what they could to help. What happened to our teachers work ethic? It used to be normal for a child to be hyper most children are. Now its unacceptable, they are expected to sit for 6 and a half hours and if they cant gotta put them on a pill. Am I the only one that has issues with this? My son actually got in trouble for dancing while the class was listening to a song. They were standing but they were suppose to stand still? I have an issue with this, maybe I am the only one but I don't think so.
I almost pulled them out of public school last month, it was frustrating dealing with the calls everyday, knowing that on a normal day I have no problem with their behavior, why does the school? The principal finally called and asked me to keep them in so they could do an evaluation and see if they can help with learning and behavior. This was a month ago and I have not heard anything, but did here if I pull my children they lose money. So that fact explained a lot to me, so what do I do? Whats best for my boys? I hate the idea of them not having the experience of public school, the friendships, music, gym, dances, sports, etc. I know that they have resources for home school children but no one will ever convince me that they are even close to the same. 

I am one confused Mommy.